I can’t look at this month’s writing assignment straight-on. Is it generational, the discomfort with strong feelings and desire? The “kind of amazing” syndrome? Or just human- knock on wood, don’t attract too much attention if things are going well, god laughs at woman’s plans sort of thing.
Desire is so changeable. I’m reminded, excruciatingly, of a high school psychology assignment to write about your perfect 24 Hours. NOT a lasting statement for the ages or reflective of my inner self. Are all desires so superficial? Alternatively, you can end up sounding like Miss America “I would like my family to be happy, and the whole world to achieve enlightenment and end climate change.” etc.
I can think of a lot of delicious things I’ve tasted before that I would like to taste again: DuMont burgers, Neptune’s oysters, Ornella’s pasta. That rice ball I had in Naples that turned out to be full of clams. I can picture the perfect backyard pizza party in an imagined future, with all my current favorite people. But I think there is more to this assignment. That if you really looked directly at you might find something true.
The Buddhists would say, I think, that all desire is like this- smoke. You can’t capture it, it just wraps itself around a thing and as soon as you get what you want the desire quickly departs for a more distant object. There is also the danger that once you truly declare what you want there is a fairly good chance that you will get it.
What I want so badly I can taste it today is to finish packing. What I want so badly I can taste it this month is to write a screenplay. What I want so badly I can taste it this year is …. still a mystery.
i had several thoughts on this one beautiful post, but i will only share this one. i recently wrote out some goals for my “aht” this year. within two days i got a call from someone about showing my work and within a week or so got another place to show my work. i think it is true if you are putting yourself out there, even just emotionally and spiritually, the universe will answer you. i hope this isn’t only true for just getting things you want, but in for larger, mo’ better things too.
The Tao of Pooh was handed to me right after I wrote this and there was a passage I read making fun of Buddhists for their “life is suffering” attitude. I think yes, Erica, the universe does answer us on many levels (i’m cringing as i write that, but I do believe it) And we don’t have to suffer to make our existence meaningful. I very much enjoy following your creative process online and I only wish more people would share themselves a bit this way. It works some kind of internet magic that changes things in the real world too.
I want that epiphany that doesn’t turn out to be some high or drunken illusion when I wake up in the morning. An epiphany that sticks would be nice.
And maybe a gorilla costume with a realistic gorilla face.
that’s the spirit, tim!
I love when you talk buddhist to me