My current effort is to pare my possessions down to what I would like to have for a month at a rental cabin. If I make my tiny home a restful retreat with plenty of space, time and ease of use to create new things and to focus on activities that are most important to me today, it will be like a permanent vacation. I think.
The disposal of an object, batch of papers, or ugly photos is accompanied by a lurch in my stomach as if I were throwing them out of a hot air balloon and each college binder or extra frying pan jettisoned lifts me higher. It is disorienting to no longer be anchored by a familiar thing that generates a predictable feeling. I think that the freedom I feel when traveling is partially freedom from old thoughts and habits stored in objects.
Anyway, I’m having a great time. This week was one of the best weeks I’ve had at work. This is largely due to a message I received from beyond the grave mwah ha ha. I had some of my mother’s old journals from when she was my age and I read a few pages and they were truly and completely indistinguishable from the angst filled selfdoubt that fills so many pages of my own diaries.
This led me to some conclusions. Firstly, it’s not a personality flaw that I think and act this way, it’s a carefully learned behavior that I have cultivated to be like my mom who I loved and admired. Secondly, this attitude is entirely optional. Thirdly, once you are gone, nobody gives a shit about how hard you tried at work. Totally irrelevant. What matters is how you make people feel and how you yourself feel day to day. There is absolutely no percentage in suffering, obsessing, perfecting, proving yourself etc. etc. My status, how other people think about me is irrelevant. What a relief.
It frees a persons time up to do stuff and consider other people whenever you can drop the selfobsession. Exciting. So, time to drop another box of papers into the recycling. I hope that you are having a great Labor Day weekend with lots of rest and love.